Mrs Crowley
by Minor God
Summary: The bad news - he's married! The good news, they hate eachother!
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: I own no angels or demons. Or do I.....? No, I don't.

Aziraphale was quite surprised to find that a woman had bothered to decipher the table of opening hours which was written in ancient Egyptian hieroglyphs, and come into his shop at 2 am.

Nay, he said to himself, quite surprised does not do it justice.

He was _rather_ surprised.

She was a very tall, very beautiful woman with chalk white skin and reddish gold hair piled on her head.

Approaching the table with a slightly flickering red mouth, she slammed a purple – nailed hand on the desk.

"You have somezing I wont."

Aziraphale stared, so taken aback that he did not bother to do it politely. "R- er, really? And what might that be, my dear?"

"You have ze knowledge and acquaintance of my huzzband."

"Erm," Aziraphale skimmed through all the men he knew: the librarian, the corner shop man, Crowley, the milkman, the busdriver…"

"Erm, is he a busdriver?"

"I zincerely hope not," she replied sharply. "He was a fine demon, juzzt a complete doormat."

Aziraphale was forced into being very surprizzed! Er, surprised.


	2. 2

Raven 174: Thanks for the review!!! Glad to have made your mouth curl, but you thought this was the end? Nooo, this is just the beginning!

Ahsirum: I shall indeed write more. Thank thee kindly.

"Won't you sit down?" squeaked Aziraphale, leading her to a chair behind the counter. She sat imperiously.

"What is you name, my dear lady?"

She stood imperiously. And all in one moment, Aziraphale was on all fours under her high heel. "Ha!" she cried. "I ztand here, a powerful zuccubus, in ze prenzzence of a lowly cherub, and he shows no rezzpect! My name is Jardis, and no, zat Lion, Ze Witch and Ze Wardrobe woman was named after me! My useless huzzband muzzt learn manners also! Would you like to go togezzer?"

"No, madam, you misunderstand. I merely wish to sort out the facts."

Aziraphale found himself standing up. "Ah, thank you. Now, you claim to be the wife of the demon Crolwey, is that right?"

"Yez." The woman seemed dispirited at this.

"Have you come far?"

Jardis answered him with a long hard stare, which told him all.

"Ah. Well, my good lady, would it be possible for me to just leave you here for a moment?"

Jardis sank down into the old leather chair, where her make – up re – did itself.

Aziraphale flung himself into the back room, and at the telephone. He tried Crowley's home number.

"Hi, this is Anthony Crowley, I am not answering because I know it's you…"

Aziraphale tried Crowley's mobile.

"Hi, this is Anthony Crowley, don't you _ever_ try to contact me again."

Aziraphale tried Crowley's Bentley number.

"Erm, yeah, hi, this is Anthony Crowley, _get outta the way_, can't get there right now."

Aziraphale tried Crowley's London flat number.

"Hello?"

"Crowley, I have been phoning you _everywhere_!"

"I'm flattered."

"Crowley, this no time for flippancy, you never told me you were married!"

"…"

"Hello?"

"…"

"Crowley?"

"…HOW THE HELL DID YOU FIND OUT?????!!!!!"

Aziraphale jumped away from the phone, the steam of the demonic fume practically coming through the line.

"She's here!" hissed Aziraphale, glancing back in case she was nearer than he thought.

"Agh!"

"Crowley, you have to come over!"

"Fine. I'll come and kill her."

Aziraphale sighed.

succubus, Demon who rapes people in the night :/


	3. 3

CassandraTheEvil: Thank you. You have realised the deep symbolicalness of this story of love and hate. LOL. ;)

The demon leapt into his car, with such skill that a couple of children on the pavement applauded. Crowley tried and failed to back into them.

"You complete bitch!" yelled Crowley, as he threw himself into Aziraphale's shop.

He then realised he was looking at Aziraphale. He looked at Jardis, "You complete bitch!" he repeated.

"Fucking bazztard!" she hollered back and a ball of flames shot at Crowley's head, but he ducked just in time. "You left me, unzupported in ze depths of Purgotry for zix thouzzand years!" Rolling her head back, Jardis let out a long, braying cry.

Aziraphale covered his ears and watched Crowley reduce into a picture of miserable marriage life.

With the angel looking at her husband and her husband looking at the floor, Jardis was rather upset that her screaming was getting her no attention.

She stopped.

Aziraphale and Crowley looked at her.

"I vill stay here and argue all night!" she warned.

"So will I, babe!" spat Crowley. Then, catching Aziraphale's eye, "Or we could go to a hotel."

At four o'clock in the next morning, Crowley traipsed into Aziraphale's shop.

"How went it?" the angel asked him kindly.

"…Badly, but I think I shook her off," rasped Crowley.

"Oh, my dear boy, come and have a drink."

Crowley followed Aziraphale into his back room, where the angel opened a bottle of Charmeleon and turned it into a bottle of Alex Corton '65.

"Do you remember," said Aziraphale, a fond memory creeping over his face, "when you played cricket for England."

"No," said Crowley.

Aziraphale laughed. "Yes, you do! You were fantastic! Cricket is such a wonderful sport, don't you think?"

"It's dying, 'Ziraphale," slurred Crowley. "Dyin' on it's feet."

"Oh, my dear boy, you mustn't say such things," insisted Aziraphale.

The demon gave him a long, hard look. "Are you stayin' sober Angel?"

Aziraphale looked miserably at the table. "Well, if you must know, I was hoping to get some news of er, Jardis."

With a muffled moan, Crowley straightened. "Jardis is my wife. She has long red hair and big green eyes and a ski – slope nose and a whitish complexion and a taste for black gloves and she has the sexiest little-"

"Crowley!"

"Muh?"

"D- do you love her?"

"…No, I s'pose not."


	4. Can you guess? 4!

Aziraphale smiled.

Crowley found this rather confusing. "What is it to you, Angel?" he asked suspiciously.

"Nothing, nothing! I'd erm, I'd just be rather worried if you, er… loved her, because she doesn't seem to love you."

There followed a meaningful silence, which Crowley didn't quite get the meaning of.

"Angel," said Crowley incredulously, "what makes you think I love her?"

"Well, my dear, you did marry her."

Crowley did not answer.

"Why did you marry her then?"

"It was arranged by…" Crowley nodded towards the floor.

"Oh. I didn't know he did that."

"Of course you didn't."

Aziraphale sighed. "Where is Jardis now?"

Crowley moaned. "In my flat, I think…"

"Oh, you look tired," said Aziraphale. He reached across the table, taking the demon's face in his hands.

Crowley was surprised how warm the touch was and almost nuzzled up to it. Then he snapped his eyes open.

"Would you like to go and have a rest?" murmured Aziraphale, as if he thought they were still closed.

"I thought you disapproved of me sleeping?"

"Well, you've had a shock, I dare say you're system needs a rest. Go on, you can sleep in my bed."

"You have a _bed_?"

"Well, one needed a bed to get out of, to go to the andersson shelter in the war. Go on."

Crowley felt his way up the stairs and into the room where he flopped down on Aziraphale's patchwork quilt.

Wait, _patchwork_? Crowley grinned to himself before he fell asleep.

A/N: Hello. I am the Minor God and would like some advise on how you like the story and whether slash would be a good idea…. HELP!!! Please. J


	5. 5, yes

A/N: Helloooo! I am the Minor God (obviously) and a very happy girl. Slash will commence momentarily.

Ashirum: Hey, thanks again! Slash will… sorry, I said that.

Dorilys: Hi, oh I'm pleased to see you again! I thought you didn't like me anymore. Does a special dance in honour of the fact Dorilys is still here Thanks for the reviewing!!!

Sasori: Oh, bleeb, I though I'd fixed that… but thanks for the review! Slash will… _damn it!_

So, on I go.

Crowley had not been asleep ten minutes when a familiar, grating voice reached his ears.

With a great sigh, Crowley felt his way back down the stairs and into the shop, where he found his spouse shrieking at the top of her voice to Aziraphale, who stood stock still, taking it all like an angel.

"Jardis!" he bellowed.

For a moment, everyone in the room was stunned in silence that Crowley had come to take charge of his wife.

"Jardis," he continued snappily, "I have said everything to you I want to say. And I can't think that you need say anymore to me. Why did you come here?"

"Do you think that'z all there izz to a marriage?" said Jardis, who, Crowley suddenly noticed, was looking very beautiful tonight.

No! he hissed to himself, it's just her powers, I don't love her!

Nevertheless, he woke up next to her the next morning.

Crowley stared about him in dismay. The room was in his London flat. The bed was messy. Jardis was fast asleep, with a smug smile underneath her tangled array of hair.

_What have I done?_ He scolded himself silently while he dressed.

It was actually Jardis who had taught him to sleep, and she herself was a master of it.

She was asleep for six hours after her husband crept out the door and down to his car.

Crowley sat on a bench in Hyde Park, fuming quietly.

He _hated_ women who could do that to him, although there was only one. Of course it was what demons did, but they were married - it was disgusting.

"Quack?" inquired a duck.

"Quack off," replied Crowley.

"Quack," said the duck firmly. (Demons and Angels speak any language spoken by humans, and if they spend long enough with them, they can pick up some animal, too. Therefore, the duck's part will now be spoken as Crowley heard it.)

"Where is Aziraphale?"

"Not here today, I'm alone."

"Oh, that's a pity, I like Aziraphale."

"Oh, charming."

"Not that!" assured the duck, "but you see, you frighten a lot of my friends when you come not bearing bread." A nasty thought occurred to the duck. "Is bread in short supply?" it quivered.

"No, bread is plentiful."

The duck sighed happily. "Then, why so glum?"

"I hate my wife, but I don't know how to make her leave."

"Oh. The lady who accompanied you down the street a couple of weeks ago?"

"No, someone else. Someone scarier. Someone who doesn't like bread."

The duck gasped.

"Hmmm, it's tricky."

"It certainly is. I think you should tell Aziraphale about this. Or maybe go on holiday."

Crowley stood up and stretched. "Ok, thanks."

What good advice ducks give, he thought as he sped towards Aziraphale's shop.

"Did you, make love?" Aziraphale stared at the counter icily.

"Yes. But I didn't mean to, she's a succubus."

Aziraphale sighed. "You didn't have to do that," he whispered.

"I couldn't help it."

"You never can."

"What? What is it to you, Angel?"

"Crowley, how long have we known each other?"

Crowley shrugged. It wasn't much of a question, all its possible technicalities taken into account.

"Fine. How long have we been friends?"

"I… I dunno."

"Crowley, I don't want you being near that woman! She's playing you like a piano, and you don't try to stop it! Does it never upset you that she takes you for granted and brain – washes you? She took sex from you without asking, even you give people a chance to say no!"

Crowley blinked slowly and deliberately. The angel had shouted. The angel had said rude things about a lady. The angel had said 'sex'.

"And she just took you from here like it was nothing at all what I thought! The bitch just stood there kissing and seducing you, when you could be mine!"

Crowley liked the direction of this conversation. "You want to say no, Aziraphale?"

Aziraphale shook his head. Slowly. Never taking his eyes off the demon.

The glasses irritated Aziraphale. They were the one layer between himself and the eyes of the man – shaped creature who he so desperately wanted to steal from Jardis.

He took them from Crowley's face, causing Crowley to cry out.

But Aziraphale didn't care. There were Crowley's eyes, as beautiful as any angel's. For the first time he saw all of the demon's face. And now he wanted to see the rest of him too. Crowley was white and vulnerable.

Aziraphale kissed him lightly. Their eyes met in a warm trance. Simultaneously, they began to wrap their arms about each other.

A/N: I need to think about the next bit, but look out for Jardis, she's evil, she's crazy, and she's out for revenge!

Oh, by the way, if you do want to go to my homepage, there's now my pictures of Aziraphale and Crowley there


	6. Happy New Year!

The sun rose on the little book shop in Surrey, wherein something had just happened to show a thing or two to the pornography shop next door.

The entities who had been involved lay together, not breathing at all.

They were just beginning, once again, to look into each other's eyes and smile, when a fearful voice came from downstairs.

Crowley froze in Aziraphale's arms.

Aziraphale held onto him tight as heavy footsteps ascended the stairs.

"Start praying!" hissed Crowley.

But before Aziraphale could even draw breath, the door burst open.

And in walked… Hastur and Ligur.

Everyone froze.

_Everyone_ stared.

Crowley began to move his mouth. He didn't know how to explain this.

But, it appeared, Hastur did. "You, Crowley, are a complete and utter pervert."

"Y, er, I er, y- yes sir."

"Yeah," said Ligur.

And they walked out, in sheer disgust.

Crowley and Aziraphale studied the place where they had been standing.

"Are you a pervert, my darling?" asked Aziraphale playfully.

"Dunno. I think I'd better make sure I am."

"Well, quite."

Someone who knew for certain that Crowley was a pervert (that's right, it's Jardis) stood on the street, dragging in a cigarette.

She would give them enough time to start again. Then she would pounce.

And it would be she who was the wronged lover.

She smiled to herself. You had to make marriage work.

A/N: Happy NewYear. I have a funny feeling about 2005. I predict that a restaurant will open on the moon. And it will be very expensive.


	7. hehee! Jardis is back!

A/N. Hello. This was written when no inspiration had come and I was hungry. But it will be worth the wait, I am having omelette and chips.

Having given it another six minutes, Jardis crept into the downstairs shop. She made a pretence of calling 'Hello'. Finding, to her satisfaction, no – one downstairs

, she made her way around the counter and into the backroom, where she found no – one.

"Darling!" she called, her eyes glowing with suppressed rage. There came no reply, but a creak of springs and a moan from upstairs.

Jardis drifted up the stairs, no need to walk in an angel's house.

She wore an expression of innocent curiosity as she landed silently outside the door. Well, outside the three doors.

_Eenee menee minee mo, catch an angel by the wing, if it falls, have a fling, inee meenee minee _"AAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!"

Jardis had burst through the door in the middle, to find her husband, her beautiful, lustful husband, lying on top of an angel. A not very good – looking angel.

They stared horrified. Ashamed.

Inside, Jardis felt like dancing, but that never helped her to tempt anyone, being an awful dancer, as demons are. Instead, she clasped her hands over her mouth and staggered back against the wall, tears welling in her eyes.

"Jardis!" screeched Crowley, leaping out of bed. Clothes magically covered him. Jardis wrestled feebly with his grasp, tears apparently blinding her.

"Jardis, listen, it wasn't anything! It's an angel, what would I want with it?"

Aziraphale bit back tears. What was Crowley thinking?

As Jardis fought her way out of Crowley's grip and fled down the stairs, Crowley persued her with an urgency which he had never put to Aziraphale.

"Oh how could you?!"

"Jardis, babe!"

Aziraphale heard the door bang. He was left alone.


	8. Just a time filler

A/N: Hi.

Aziraphale had not the heart to leave his backroom for days. He sat there, amongst his beloved books, but not really reading any of them. On the first day, he drank cocoa, on the second, he drank cocoa with a drop of whisky, on the third day, he drank cocoa and whisky, and on the fourth day, he drank whisky with a drop of cocoa.

He reflected on Crowley as he had seen him first, a small, lost – looking snake in the garden.

Aziraphale had sat at his post, just inside the Eastern gate, with his wings spread out in the lush dewy grass, when he had slithered by. Aziraphale had never seen that particular kind of snake before, and was rather impressed by the beautiful markings. "Hello," he had said, in the cheery way that one does when speaking to an animal.

"Hello," Crowley had replied, carelessly. "Are you the divine representative, then?"

Aziraphale stammered that he was.

"Ah," said the snake, "I'm the diabolical slave, how do you do. I'd shake your hand, but mine seem to have been misplaced."

That made Aziraphale smile. Just a bit.

"Look, Jardis," snapped Crowley, following his wife into his house (the one that he did live in), "you need help, yeah?"

Jardis blew open the door with one touch and examined the hall she walked into. It was large and decorated with freak – show posters from around 100 years ago.

"We all need help," said she, imperiously. "We are demonzz."

"You also need someone to teach you pronunciation," Crowley called after her, as she ascended the stairs curiously. "I mean why did you come back now, after all these years?"

A/N: That's what I need help with. Please help! If you don't help, Jardis is going to turn out to be pregnant, and I don't want that! Cheers. ;)


	9. Hastur and Jardis sitting in a tree

Mrs. Crowley's eyes crossed from one side of her face to the other. She stood on the landing. She leaned over the banister to her husband, making her cleavage as obvious as she possibly could.

Crowley took off his glasses. He flicked his tongue. She flicked hers back.

"I have mizzed thou, babe," she said.

Crowley smiled. "I – have – missed – YOU – babe," he corrected and replied at the same time.

"You always were clever," she simpered. She disappeared into the background of the first floor. Then doors began opening and closing.

By the time Crowley had ascended the staircase, Jardis was spread out on his bed.

But Crowley resisted, on remembering that he had not missed her at all, and she was about the only succubus to rape someone she was married to. He shivered. He would never rape anyone since she had done that, which was most of the time they had lived together.

"Just tell me what you want, Jardis, then maybe we can go our own separate ways."

Jardis crossed her legs and sat on the bed like a little girl. Except that if you looked, you could see she was not wearing any underwear.

"Bloody hell, Jardis, at least put your knickers on," said Crowley.

She did. "You muzzt love the angel," she pouted.

"I suppose."

"…You look pretty zilly togezzer. What with him being fat and cardigan – wearing and you…" Jardis licked her lips, running glowing eyes down her husband's body.

"Come on, Jardis, what do you want?"

"…I want you to put Haztur off deziring me."

"…Hastur fancies you?"

"Yah."

"It's _yeah_, with an 'e'. My G- Devil, Hastur fancies my wife! Well, what's wrong, if you play your cards right, you could be a duchess."

Jardis frowned. "He'z not az sexy az thou. Hey, did you juzzt nearly say my God?"

"No. Definitely not. Bugger my fucking giddy aunt, I thought Hastur only had eyes for Ligur! Well well, what a turn up for the books…. So what do you want me to do?"

"Casually tell him what a terrible wife I am."

Crowley gave a bogus smile of sweet reminisces. "Mmm. And what if that doesn't work?"

"Fight him to the death," she answered without hesitation.

Crowley simpered.

The Bentley screeched to a halt outside 'Used Books Ltd.' Crowley leapt out, and dashed through the door, which unlocked obediently.

"Aziraphale!" he cried, feeling much more emotional than was cool. However.

The angel leapt up from his seat in the back room. "Crowley?"

Crowley rushed into the doorway. The angel was a complete mess. He was slouched and pale and some of his hair stood on end. The table was littered with empty bottles and cocoa powder boxes. He stood up with his arms outstretched. Crowley flung himself into them.

"Oh, fuck it, I'm so sorry, Aziraphale. You're completely right about Jardis, she's a bitch. But there's good news."

Aziraphale, who had been surprised at the rush of emotion from his demon, stared expectantly.

"Hastur's in love with her! All you have to do is make her fall for him."

Aziraphale was so overcome by the good news, he spent some time tenderly licking Crowley's forked tongue before the other statement sank in. "I have to do what?" he said dryly.

A/N: I'm sorry, but I can't find me inbox at the moment, so thanks to all who reviewed!


	10. Aziraphale and Jardis Sitting in a Tree

Crowley leaned back.

"Make Jardis fall in love with Hastur!" he grinned, as though it was the easiest thing in the world.

"Crowley, I can't just throw a precious thing like love about like that!"

"Sure you can! Think about it, you'd be bringing happiness and enlightenment to two lonely, debauched misers!"

"No, I mean, I literally can't."

"Oh."

"At least with angelic power. I think the best way to go about this is over a nice cup of tea."

Crowley stared. Nonplussed.

"Jardis?" called Crowley, swinging around his front door. "Come on, we're going to see Aziraphale!"

Jardis appeared on the landing, eating from a box of ice – cream. "Why?" she asked with her mouth full.

"To talk! Won't be so bad, maybe you can seduce him."

Jardis appeared, fully clothed, in the Bentley.

Aziraphale greeted them with a warmth which was unnatural, even for him.

He led the demons into his sitting room, where they all sat at a table, flowery cups on flowery saucers filled with Earl Grey.

Aziraphale smiled at Jardis.

Jardis scowled at Aziraphale.

Crowley looked worried at the table.

"So," said Aziraphale. "You two are not happy in marriage, are you?"

"Of courzze not," answered Jardis, cheerily.

"Do you ever feel that this is holding you back?" asked Aziraphale soothingly.

Jardis nodded. "I mean, I'm a zuccubus and I didn't have zex for zix thousand years!" She leaned over to the angel. "But I think he did," she added meaningfully.

"This is exactly my point, my dear," said Aziraphale, "neither of you has any interest in maintaining fidelity for the other. So, is there any reason in keeping this relationship going?"

Jardis looked at him steadily. She put an arm around his shoulder. Then the other. She drew herself and himself up and together. She kissed him deeply and passionately.

note for Americans and other aliens: really beautiful and expensive tea.


	11. The End

A/N: I am SO sorry! Ahm, the thing is, I've been having a tricky time recently, but I'm back now!

I love reviewers as much as I always did!

The whole room went silent. Everyone looked at each other with apprehensive, wide eyes, like a cat when it suspects you know who ate all the ham.

Aziraphale felt anger rise up inside of him. He was more angry than he'd ever been before… He… He was going to explode!

"Jardis," he said, "that was very naughty of you."

Jardis leaned back out. She looked a little puzzled. "Sorry," she said.

"That's all right, Jardis, we all make mistakes. But I have to tell you, as I have no quarrel with you." He straightened. He looked her straight in the eyes. "I am in love with your husband. I am very sorry, but that's how it is. And as you are not in love with him, I think it only reasonable that I make it clear that I will fight you for him." And with that, the angel raised his fists, and waggled them, like a cat batting a string.

"Fine, whatever," said Jardis sitting down.

Aziraphale looked put out. "You don't want to fight for him?"

"No."

"Oh. Well jolly good." Aziraphale sat down, a tad sheepishly.

Crowley, who had been watching it all with keen eyes, began to laugh. He laughed a clear, loud laugh, like a cat who has learned to laugh. And he kissed them both.

"So, do you need to sort out divorce papers?" asked Aziraphale kindly. The demons scared at him.

"No," said Crowley blankly. "We could do it right now. Ready, Jardis?"

"More than thou'll ever know, baby. One last kiss?"

They kissed, hard. But with an element of fun.

"Cheers for everything, baby," said Crowley, "especially that scar above my left shoulder."

"It's been cool," said Jardis.

With that, they took each others arms. And BIT.

They came out of it two single people, free and sore-armed.

Aziraphale stared. "So… _that_ was a demonic divorce?"

"Yezz."

Just then, a blaze of hot light beamed up through the floor. Jardis screamed. Crowley said, "Woah," and Aziraphale hid behind Crowley. Through the light, there came a tall thin form. More precisely, there came Hastur.

Jardis stood on the side, staring in disgust as he reached out and took her by the arm.

"You're my wife now," said Hastur, grinning. Then, they disappeared together through the smoke.

"Oh no!" cried Aziraphale. "We have to help Jardis!"

"Why?" shrugged Crowley. "He'll keep her where she belongs. In the demonic bed chamber. And besides, I'm now officially on the market." He grinned.

So did Aziraphale. "Oh no, you're not," he said.

The end.


End file.
